Selfish And Cold
by kornfreak6662000
Summary: Amy Dumas reflects on her relationships with both Edge aka Adam Copeland and Matt Hardy.


Title: Song Fic: Selfish And Cold(1/1)  
Author: kornfreak6662000  
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone. They all own themselves. The Song "Selfish and Cold" is owned by Revelation Theory.  
Distribution: Don't Take Without asking me first

_**Your voice is killing me.  
Your words are hard as they come.  
Thoughts that sit in here, fall like bullets to the floor.**_

Hello, my name is Amy Dumas but most of you know me as the beautiful redheaded diva Lita. Well I must disagree with all of you for a second. Well I know most of the guys in the locker will agree that I am a beautiful redhead but I don't feel beautiful. Why? Well because I screwed up my career and most importantly, I screwed up my life. See I had something great, really great. I had everything a girl could ever dream of and wished they had. I had an amazing job that I loved very much along with an amazing guy that I loved very much. Well at least I thought I loved him very much. See I let my guard down and didn't see anything happening between and a certain person. Who is that certain person, well since you all asked, that certain person was Adam Copeland better known as Edge. This all started when Matt was out with an injured knee. This was all during the Kane/Lita/Matt storyline that Matt got hurt and had found out that he had to have knee surgery to repair his knee. Then from there, the rest is all history. Now that I look back it all, I was really selfish and cold during this time in my life. Now that I am looking back, I just wish that I can take it all back and have things the way they were but nope that won't happen and it's my entire fault. See I was just trying to be a friend to Adam. I was just trying to help him out during a rough time in his life not thinking it was going to anywhere else. Adam was having trouble with his second wife and me just trying to coax him. We started traveling together and hanging out together backstage and the next thing I know is that Adam has fallen for me. Things all happens when he is still with his wife and of course I am with Matt. I still hate myself to this day about what happened a year ago. I miss Matt so much that it kills me to see him, especially with another girl. I long to feel his caring gentle touch and his sexy smile. Ahhhhhhhh, why did I have to fuck up everything in my life? Why? Why? Oh I know why because I am a selfish bitch. I did what I wanted and didn't even stop and think about the people who I was hurting in the process. I lost everything because of my relationship with Adam. All the girls in the locker room lost all respect for me. I lost all my adoring fans and most importantly I lost the 2 guys that helped me break into the wrestling business.

_**Your heart is pulling me, the cut runs deeper as it flows.  
Scars that cannot heal, the hurt is covered to the bone.  
Cause every time it gets so complicated while I'm lying down in doubt.  
I'll just tell myself I'm leaving here.**_

_**Cause I'm selfish and I'm cold and I feel like the world is ending.  
Faithless and I'm fallen again.  
Cause I'm selfish and I'm cold and I feel like we're all pretending.  
Careless and I'm lonely again.**_

Now I sit here alone and empty with nothing in my life. Sure I have a job but I have no one to share it with. I used to share all of this with Matt but not anymore thanks to me letting my guard down. Adam of course doesn't care about anything and his climbing his way to the top. He doesn't care about the person we hurt or how we lost respect from everyone in the locker room. It's a good thing that the relationship between Adam and me didn't last that long. I am so glad that we ended it because I wasn't in love with Adam; it was more of a lust relationship. The relationship between Adam and me was never about love and I knew from the start that it wasn't going to be long term.

_**And I am torn on the inside.  
The trust is dead in me, walls close higher all around.  
The cross I can not bear feels like pressure coming down.  
Until now the world was never jaded, yet I'm left here on my own to pick up the pieces.**_

_**Cause I'm selfish and I'm cold and I feel like the world is ending.  
Faithless and I'm fallen again.  
Cause I'm selfish and I'm cold and I feel like we're all pretending.  
Careless and I'm lonely again.**_

Actually now that I stop and think about it, I never wanted to be Adam. My heart was never into the relationship from the get go. I knew who I wanted to be with and I knew where my heart belonged to. My heart belonged to Matt Hardy who was at home recovering from a knee injury. I hate myself so much right now and I just feel like I want to die. I hated the fact that I had to pretend to be with Adam known to wrestling world as Edge on screen. I hated the idea from start and I knew that it was going to kill Matt if he watched Raw. Like always, I was right; he was hurting more than I was hurting. I read his blog's about the whole thing and I just broke down and cried. Matt's words were filled with so much emotion and I just couldn't hold back the tears. I just let them fall freely from my face. I even watched some of his promos that he made and wow, they hurt like hell. I was completely stunned at what I saw. I knew that things were just going to get harder for the both of us, well more or less, harder for Matt than it was for me. I still a had my dream job while Matt had to find where he was going to work. I never felt as low as I do right now.

_**This time it tears right through me.  
I face the pain and I'm torn.  
(This time it tears right through me.)  
It's not so far away, not far enough, not far enough.**_

The only plus side of all of this is that Matt and I tried to work things out between us. When we were together it was like nothing had happened at all and I loved it. I just wish it would have stayed this way instead of the way it turned out. I moved back home with my mom in Atlanta. Matt would come and visit and we would hangout just like old times like nothing had happened. Well things have happened and our relationship was far from being fixed and back to normal. I was out on road with Adam while he was at home doing Indy-circuit appearances and doing other Indy stuff. We talked over the phone but that's about it. Well that's not totally true; we hung out one time after a show. Matt was with Ashley at the time. I don't think she was to keen about the idea of Matt and Me getting something to eat after the show. I think that might have caused some problems but I don't know for sure. That was the last time I saw Matt because he was headed to smackdown and the rest is history.

_**Cause I'm selfish and I'm cold and I feel like the world is ending.  
Faithless and I'm fallen again.  
Cause I'm selfish and I'm cold and I feel like we're all pretending.  
Careless and I'm lonely again.**_

_**Cause I'm selfish and I'm cold and I feel like the world is ending.  
Faithless and I'm fallen again.  
Cause I'm selfish and I'm cold and I feel like we're all pretending.  
Careless and I'm lonely again.**_

Well as the story goes on and on. I am still in my on screen relationship with Edge. He went on to win the wwe title twice. I also went on to become the women's champion again. I was honored to wrestle Trish in her last match. I thought I could have performed better in that match. I really wasn't into that entire match at all. My mind and thoughts were else where. See Matt made a surprise visit to the show to support his brother Jeff who had a match against Johnny Nitro for the IC title and he was also there to say goodbye to Trish. It was just so hard to talking to Matt and Jeff during our little team xtreme re-union. What I really wanted to do was jump into Matt's arms and kiss him on the lips with full blown passion. I wanted to tell him right then and there that I wanted him back in my life and I made a huge mistake. I wanted to tell Matt that I wanted us back. I but I had to stay in character and act all bitchy towards the 2 guys that helped me with my wrestling career. Plus I knew Matt was still with Ashley and didn't want to ruin anything else in his life because I already ruined enough.

_**And I am torn on the inside.  
Torn, torn.  
Torn.  
Your voice is killing me.**_

So after all is said and done, I am still the one left alone and empty with nothing. I caused all of this myself; well of course I had a little help from my on screen boyfriend Edge. Now I sit here and ponder what would have been.

The End

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